So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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