ttyl tear gas
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had sex on a roof
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
