and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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