My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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