a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
