Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
