The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
