so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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