I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
