yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
