She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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