Define "chronic" masturbator.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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