I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
