don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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