dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
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I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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