Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
