i already hear my dad disowning me
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
