How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
