when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
