I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
