So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
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buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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