Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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