i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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