I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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