i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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