got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
