I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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