This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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