In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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