i would punch a child for taco bell
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
