totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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