do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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