If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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