she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
