paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
