Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
