Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
