I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
