I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
