Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I could make wine with my vomit
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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