I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
