I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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