I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
