She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
