Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He better not be in your backpack
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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