I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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