Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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