This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
