Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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