Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
