doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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