I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
