I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
