I didn't shave. On purpose
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
